It's a matter of gender
But what does this have to do with BDSM? A lot, but first, I want to make a brief clarification:
I haven’t studied sociology, anthropology, genetics… but this is a topic that deeply affects me for various reasons, but I will explain that later.
I write this text as an attempt to summarize the content that exists on the internet, but for one main reason: several people I know on this social network have been misgendered, and it’s very uncomfortable, especially because if we look at someone’s profile, it clearly indicates how each person identifies if they have chosen to do so, even if it might be left empty.
Why do we question gender or use pronouns that someone has expressly asked us not to use?Really, it’s very simple: a person tells you to call them Noa and that they use the pronoun “he,” you do it, and that’s it. Isn’t it the same as calling someone Federico if they introduce themselves as Federico, and not Josefina?
Now, let’s get to the point. Why is misgendering often done?Either to harm deliberately, or as I believe, due to ignorance when reading about someone with the incorrect gender.
What is gender?
A social construct, and as such, from the biological, social, anthropological, etc. points of view, there is no exact gender of male/female.
Gender is what many people understand as sex, which is not always “male” or “female” in the human species or the person who fertilizes and the one fertilized. If we stopped there, we would be very mistaken, since not all people can fertilize or be fertilized, and ignoring this part excludes people from society. There is also the fact that approximately 1.7% of the world population is intersex, a term we wrongly used to call hermaphrodites in the past, as they may or may not have mixed sexual organs or gonads. It is estimated that there are more than 70 different cases of intersexualities.
So, normally, when a person is born, the person in charge will look at their genitalia and say, “You are a man” or “You are a woman,” which, as we already know from many disciplines, is not always 100% correct since many factors come into play. This is why gender is social—because depending on geographical area and historical context, these concepts change a lot.
To give a silly example, socially we associate women with long hair and skirts (something common, although as we know, not always the case), but if we go to Scotland, we could easily be mistaken. This—the way we perceive someone—is known as gender expression (how we present ourselves to society), which could involve wearing makeup, a certain hairstyle, certain clothes… to make us look a certain way.
In general, gender is what gets confused with sex, but this isn’t always what is expected, as we understand that there is gonadal, phenotypic, genetic, hormonal, psychological sex, and although these values often match what we normally understand as male/female, it is not always the case. The biological aspect of woman (XX) and man (XY) is not always like that, so once again, if we say that gender is the same as sex, we would be wrong.
Geography
Although from Europe, we may have imposed the binary of male/female, across the planet, there have been and still are many places where more than one gender has been recognized, such as:
Native American Tribes: There is the Two-Spirit gender.
Muxes in Mexico represent the third gender.
Legal
An important topic is that countries like Germany (the one I know best and always use as an example) legally recognize a third gender, but I’m sure there are others.
Language
This point may generate “controversy,” as many people argue that it is difficult to use inclusive language with the pronoun “elle” as neutral (though not all binary people use it as their only pronoun), associated with ending words with “e,” since it “breaks” grammar. If this were the case, shouldn’t we still be using Old Spanish? Grammar evolves, let’s stop with the nonsense and accept that society evolves and new norms must be accepted. In contrast, in English, for example, they often use they/them, making it much easier to conjugate, which is true, but isn’t this simply a form of respect for the person?
Conclusion
And what does this have to do with BDSM? A lot, or everything, depending on how you look at it. Roles in BDSM are largely based on how we socialize according to gender.
Simply put, this is respect for others. If we ask you to use certain pronouns and that our gender is non-binary, please don’t question it. We expose ourselves enough to be judged or criticized. None of us question whether you are cisgender in the same way no one should question if a person is heterosexual. Right?
I hope this helps someone understand the issue a bit more. I firmly believe in pedagogy, but I don’t intend to change anyone, because unless they want to, we know that people don’t change.
If there are any doubts after reading the text, it’s simple: look it up on the internet or watch the videos in the bibliography.
And finally, if anyone sees something that’s poorly explained, written, or has data that isn’t accurate, please let me know.
Bibliography
Check the bibliography in some of the videos.