We are not in the present

Shibari has taught me many things, especially to be present for the person I tie with.

I may want different things depending on the person: doing seme, bringing out my sadistic side, exploring something more sexual or simply “playing”. But, without a doubt, I try to focus on enjoying myself with whoever I’m with. However, this wasn’t always the case.

When I was starting to tie, what I was looking for was to replicate something I had seen online and, unconsciously, to get people to love me for how beautiful my photos were. In short, I was looking for likes, like so many other people. I don’t think this is necessarily a problem in itself, but it can be a symptom of something deeper: a lack of self-esteem.

For me, Shibari is a means to enjoy myself with the person I’m with, in whatever way that may be. I deeply believe that, if I focus on getting a photo or a final shape, I lose the moment and the opportunity to connect with someone. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to do a shooting every now and then, but nowadays I understand that it’s something completely different from having a session.

It saddens me to think that perhaps we are losing focus on what I consider truly important: sharing a moment of intimacy with the person in front of us, seeing that person, enjoying their company and understanding their desire and their pleasure, without forgetting ourselves and seeking a balance between what the other person desires and what I want.

All of this came about from something my former psychologist told me some time ago: “You can ask yourself what you do something for”. The answer was almost immediate: “To get people to pay attention to me”, or in other words, to seek validation.